Fortinbras

‘Fortinbras, where are my golf clubs?’

‘Respectfully, Sir, you don't play golf.’

‘That is irreverent…er…irrelevant to the case. The question remains as to the whereabouts of my golf clubs.’

‘The precise location may be somewhat difficult to define, but I would conjecture that they are somewhere in the vicinity of the fourth fairway, approximately between the sand-trap and the water hazard.’

‘Confound it! What are you saying?’

‘The vicar stopped by to see you this morning while you were slee…er…studying in the library. I took the liberty of acceding to his request for donations to the annual parish jumble sale.’

‘You gave away my golf clubs!’

‘As you have so cunningly deduced, I have donated your golf clubs to charity, to benefit the poor in our community.’

‘I don't see what good my set of clubs will do for some starving family. For one thing, the committee would never allow them membership in the golf club.’

‘Yes, Sir, that is true, but sometimes Good follows a more circuitous route.’

**********

‘Goodness me! What on earth was that?’

‘The Hand of Divine Providence, Sir.’

‘The hand of divine providence, my foot! Some blathering idiot has foozled their drive off the fifth tee.’

‘Yes, Sir. That would appear to be the case. Would you like me to ring up MacDonald to repair the damage?’

‘MacDonald?…MacDonald?…Hmm…I don't remember a MacDonald.’

‘No, Sir. He is new in the village. He has been unable to find work, and his wife is expecting their third child. I thought that he might be available.’

‘Yes, yes…I suppose that would be all right. Well, I am going upstairs to write some letters. On no account am I to be disturbed.’

‘Yes, Sir. Very good, Sir.’

**********

‘MacDonald? This is Fortinbras, up at the manor. I have a job for you…Yes, right away. Good day!’

**********

‘Good afternoon Vicar. What can I do for you?’

‘I'm terribly sorry. An unexpected gust of wind appears to have caught my ball and precipitated it through the roof of your greenhouse. I hope that no-one was hurt.’

‘Happily, Sir, we are uninjured. I see that you are golfing again. If I may be so bold as to ask…Where did you eventually locate your golf clubs?’

‘I haven't found them yet. I have searched everywhere, but my wife is a cleverer woman than I. She seems to have this fixation in her head that the inexplicable accidents, which occur from time to time on the golf course, are a result of incompetence on my part. Extraordinary idea, but there you have it.’

‘Yes, Sir. Terribly vexing for you, I'm sure.’

‘Actually, these are the Colonel's clubs, which he so generously donated to the parish jumble sale. I just thought that I would take them through their paces, before offering them for sale on the auction block. I should deeply regret if anyone purchased them, in good faith, and found them lacking somehow in quality.’

‘An admirable idea, and one which reinforces the high regard that the English people have for their clergy.’

‘Yes…well, I thought that I would look in. I hope that it will be all right…about the roof, I mean.’

‘Don't let it cause you any concern. The situation is well in hand. Have a good day Sir, and God bless you.’